We all get broken sometimes. Bad things happen to everyone at some point in life and it is how we deal with it that creates the healing required to fix ourselves afterwards.
In my own life, I have lost 2 siblings to ways other than the end of their natural lives. I am divorced – my life’s dream shattered. I also lost both my parents 54 weeks apart after they had spent 64 years of married life together. I know there are so many of you out there that have suffered similarly, and like me there are probably still times where the emotions come rising to the surface and you can’t control it.
So how can we deal with these fractures to our soul and psyche? What are some of the tools that we can use to get through the tough times? There is acceptance – what has happened, however awful, has happened and that – in the case of a lost loved one – they would not want you to wallow. Grieve most certainly, and take as long to do that as it takes you to get to acceptance. Cherish the memories that you have and keep them in your heart. You can still love them even though they are gone.
There is emotion – there is no reason to keep a stiff upper lip all the time, certainly not at the start. It is not a weakness to show emotion, no matter the situation. If you feel it then I think it is okay to show it. It just means that you are human and it needs to be expressed. We are not robots or machines. As time has gone on, for me I used reflection, especially at times when it would have been my loved one’s birthday, to recall times we spent together and to keep a hold of those wonderful moments.
I was the 6th of 7 kids. My younger sister Susie were closest in age and we were thick as thieves as little kids. She had a heart of gold and would do anything to help anyone. Sadly, she died of melastatic melanoma at the age of 31, in 1999. She had only gotten married to her long time partner Robert 10 months earlier. She never got the chance to have children and raise a family. It was a heartbreaking time and I think of her practically ever day, and she is akways loved and missed terribly.
My ‘middle older brother Frank was what some people might call a ‘black sheep in our family. Being the second son must have been tough because I recall days when he and our Dad would have massive arguments, but about what I didn’t know as I was a lot younger. Frank had a heart of gold as well but he mainly kept to himself. We’d see him at times when the family had get togethers, or at Christmas, but we knew he was out there somewhere. It came as a massive shock in April 2005 when my eldest brother had to call me at work to tell me that Frank had been murdered in a most brutal fashion whilst he slept on the couch in his unit. I left work straight away and bawled my eyes out when I got home that day. I felt the same sharp tearing at my heart that I had felt when Susie passed away 5 and a half years earlier. I kept asking why. Why would someone do this? Under what circumstances does someone not doing anyone any harm to anyone have their life taken away so callously? Frank and I had our differences at times growing up but he was my brother. I will always love him and his memory will never diminish.
I was there holding my Dad’s hand when he drew his last breath. He was 87. He had been married to Mum for 64 years and they had been together since their late teens. My Mum had dementia and was in an assisted care facility and Dad lived in the room next door. I think we always thought that Mum would go first but Dad must have known that Mum was being looked after and allowed himself to go as she knew she was safe. Mum lasted just 1 year and 2 weeks longer and then I guess she could no longer be without her lifelong love, so she passed on as well. The thought of that enduring love inspires me and keeps me going at times.
In all of these tough times, emotion was very close to the surface and it is important to remember.
There is also education. The ability to learn from your mistakes – in my case to learn what my role in my separation and divorce played (because there are always 2 sides to every story), to recognise and accept any shortcomings that I have that may have contributed to it. There is a temptation to lay blame, to hate even. I have found this part particularly difficult to reconcile and overcome because my life’s dream of a long happy marriage and raising kids together was shattered. What were my shortcomings? How could I have been a better husband? Indeed, was there ANYTHING I could have done, or did we just drift apart naturally? I had to learn not to to dwell on things too much or wallow in self pity so that I could be the best me/Dad that I could be for my kids. They needed me to be strong, no matter what I was feeling inside. I had to learn to be resilient. Seeing their Dad happy (at least outwardly) not only helps/helped my kids to be resilient but it helps/helped me heal.
After any loss or emotional upheaval that you experience in life, just remember that you will get through it. You are stronger than you imagine but self-care is paramount. Call on friends and other family members when it gets toughest, talk about how things are going and don’t feel that you need to carry the burden alone.
The best tool to use? Love, appreciate and respect yourself for who you are.
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