I got divorced. There are probably quite a few reasons why and I accept that I would have been part of the issue. There are 2 sides to every story and the truth as they say is probably somewhere in the middle. Knowing that my dream life of kids, grandkids and growing old with the one person is no longer was a bitter enough pill to swallow but moving on from the vitriol and hurt that has been sent my way since I separated is something that I am finding increasingly difficult to live with.
Was I simply a crappy husband? I know I’m not the most practical man on the planet but whatever task I am faced with, I give it 1000% effort and I sure as heck do not intend to stuff up, do a crappy job or take longer than what might be expected of me.
I am an easy going person, a pacifist by nature, and so confrontation is not my strong suit. Perhaps if I had stood up for myself more/better during my marriage then I might still be a married man and get to my kids better than 50% of the time. I accept that this is not going to be the case and I know that I am much happier being a single man and away from the negativity but the thing that hurts me most is that I feel that I am judged by someone who should have known me better – given we had been together for over 15 years – and who has sent hurtful words my way.
Self assessment and self appraisal is hard for anyone but I know that I am a better person, father and role model to my 2 teenagers than I perhaps give myself credit for but I am constantly judging myself by the standards placed on me by others. Why do I do that? My life is a constant financial struggle and I blame myself for not going out and doing things with my kids whenever I have them with me, but does that make me a bad Dad? I don’t think so but I have my moments of doubt.
I was raised to be polite, well mannered and respectful to others but how do I treat myself the same way? I am a loving and sensitive person but one who perhaps is too meek and trusting. These traits are easily taken advantage of and I have been guilty of allowing myself to suffer as a result, but I refuse to be someone I’m not. I want my kids to learn empathy, to be caring, loving people who know their worth and who will also show grit and resilience when times are tough.
My road over the past 3 and a half years has been a rocky one, emotionally and financially. I have learnt a lot of things about myself that have been hard to accept but I have grown as a person by accepting my flaws. Most importantly, though, I no longer judge myself against other people’s expectations and standards. I live my life according to the great way that I was raised by my parents – as a good, kind hearted, moral person who shows integrity and honesty and who will not allow others to pass judgment on me from a hurtful point of view.
I will judge myself by my actions.
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