4 years ago today, Sunday 22nd of April 2018, my life’s dream was shattered. My wife at the time came outside while I was working in the yard and she said to me “I can’t live like this.”
She was in tears and pretty soon afterwards, so was I. We had a talk and whilst I honestly cannot remember any single or particular issue being the reason that she wanted to separate, it soon became obvious to me that she had made this decision and was not going to change her mind.
We had issues during our marriage which, in hindsight, we could have handled better. The problem for me was that (a) we were vastly different types of people – she is a controlling persona and I’m a go with the flow and sneak under the radar kind of guy – and (b) she told me more than once that she could not see ANY issue and that I was the one with the problem. I couldn’t reconcile in my mind that 100% fault lay at my feet. Sadly, I am not a very good confrontationalist and had no faith in my ability to stand up for myself. If I was, we may have been able to sort out whatever issues we had. Equally sadly, I don’t believe that she was a very good and open communicator. That combination spells trouble with a capital T.
Once the initial shock kicked in, my only concern was that our 2 kids – who were 11 and 9 at the time – would be able to adjust and most importantly to be happy. Nothing else mattered – or matters to this day – than the mental, physical and emotional wellbeing of my kids.
I’d like to be able to say that despite our separation and her stated objective for us to remain friends, certain things happened that caused her to say things that hopefully were spur of the moment, however these things affected me deeply and I am not ashamed to say that I was driven to considering ending it all because I was made to feel like a turd that had been flushed down the toilet.
What brought me back from that sense of despair? The only thing that could which was my love for my kids. I simply could not be that selfish to take their Dad away from them when they had done nothing wrong. I knew that the road ahead would be tough mentally and emotionally but I also knew that at some point I would come out the other side better and stronger as a person and a Dad than I was at the beginning.
Don’t get me wrong – I still made mistakes. Most of these were due to my extremely low value I placed on myself. It had always been an issue for me throughout my life but my separation and subsequent divorce magnified this massively.
So what else helped me get through? Firstly, the amazing support I got from family, friends and work colleagues which included absolutely NO judgment from them about anything. I told them everything and they were there for me because they wanted to be. I will be eternally grateful to everyone for that.
In addition to the wonderful support I received from those close to me, I knew that if I was to become the best person and best Dad that I wanted my kids to see that I had to make some changes and choices that I identified and which had to have some concrete way of making me into the man I wanted to be, perhaps for my whole life. Some of the things that I wanted to make my life better were: health (both physical and especially mental), to make more time to spend with family and friends (COVID notwithstanding), create greater financial security and most important of all was to ACCEPT what had happened, to embrace my new situation and live my life one day at a time, letting things happen organically and deal with whatever came to pass.
Ultimately ….. I CHOSE TO BE HAPPY!!!
I made conscious decisions to NOT let vitriol and anger cloud my life. I was NOT going to give in to her low opinions of me. I convinced myself – eventually – that I was better off without the toxicity that I came to realise had been ever present in the last few years of our marriage. I did not allow myself to wallow in self pity even though events transpired that convinced me there had been someone else. I came to realise that it was so much better for our 2 children to have 2 happy homes rather than one bad one. Whatever happened was done and I could do nothing but accept and ultimately EMBRACE my new life.
4 years on from one of the darkest days of my life, I have made choices and changes that now have me in a position where everything in my life is as near to perfect as I could want it, even given the fact that I recently chose to drop some $25k in salary to now be in a job where I am valued and where my happiness is paramount to those around me. You can’t put a price on that.
I think I am finally at peace with my world.
Health-your-self.com 