Over the years, and especially in recent times, I have come to define my life as a crisis of confidence and a fear of failure. For whatever reason, I have invariably and inevitably devalued myself to the extent that I miss, sabotage or completely destroy any opportunities for success, happiness or anything good. I’ve also been good in the past at listening too closely to the ‘wise advice’ of people who supposedly had my best interests at heart.
I distincly remember over the years being so crippled by anxiety that I would go out of my way to either avoid situations of potential happiness or make excuses or devise ways to get out of situations where I was happy.
Why is that so? There may be many reasons but I have concluded that my own sense of being lesser than others, or not feeling good enough, or not seeing myself as interesting enough, are the main causes for this self sabotage or self destruction. What I don’t know is where did this stem from?
Again, you might ask why do I feel this way about myself? I can’t place any single particular memory or event as the cause or catalyst. Perhaps it was a product of my family circumstances and being the 6th of 7 kids that did it? I was happy in my own space and doing my own thing, because that wasy I couldn’t hurt anyone else and in turn I cold not get hurt. I didn’t want to put myself in a position where I could get hurt. I am never going to blame my parents for any of this or accuse of them of ‘never being there for me’- it’s called self esteem for a reason. Nobody can MAKE you feel good about yourself. It is all about how you handle what life throws at you.
I can distinctly remember feeling – from my mid teens onwards – so lacking in confidence and being fearful of showing my true personality because I feared that I was either not funny/interesting enough or, even worse still that I’d get laughed at. That fear stayed with me until recently.
I have been through some crap times in life (as we all have) but I have to say that my marriage breakdown and subsequent divorce has had the greatest and most profound effect on how I see myself. I knew that we were having issues but nothing that I felt couldn’t be overcome with some effort, compromise and honest communication. The way my marriage ended in separation has made me feel like I was a turd flushed down the toilet. No other way for me to put it. I still harbour some anger and resentment but I am working my way through these feelings. I came across a saying recently that sums up how I go about life now – “what other people think of me is none of my business”.
I try every day now to be positive, to choose to be happy and to move on but it is damn hard.
It has taken more than half a century and the greatest emotional upheaval of my life for me to start feeling that I am worthy of good things happening to me. It has given me a greater sense of what is best for me, to stand up for myself and to be accepting of and happy with where my life now stands.
No more nose cuts!!
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