I must be doing something right

For as long as I can remember, I have been very hard on myself. Since I was a teenager I have developed and lived with a lack of self-esteem that at times has been crippling. I am not sure of the trigger for this from my adolescent days but I saw myself as lesser in many ways to other people, and wanted so badly to be in with people who I thought were cool and who I imagined it would be awesome to be like.

Here is a quote I read recently:

“The basic key to anyone’s personality is their self-image, built up from earliest memories through into adulthood. It fashions careers, relationships, moods and sexuality. The end product of how we see ourselves is the esteem in which we hold ourselves.”

Believe it or not, the source of this quote is “The Mammoth Book of Jack The Ripper” by Maxim Jakubowski. The conjecture – or at least from some quarters – is that whoever Jack was, he must have had some traumatic experiences as a child that affected his self-esteem and which ultimately and tragically manifested itself in the violent attacks on women.

This is just an example, however extreme, of how self-esteem can create the path on which ones life will travel.

Given that I am not a violent person and never been – or going to be – a serial killer, I am finding that the search within myself as to the key to my diminished self-esteem is perhaps more intricate and requires professional assistance. I have tried this, having been to see a counsellor and tried to identify why I have historically thought myself as lesser than others. I could never place my finger on one individual event from my past that was the catalyst for it, but I can recall a whole catalogue of ways I have chosen to jeopardise moments of happiness by allowing others to dictate to me how they saw my actions/lifestyle as something unworthy. Consequently, I would take their comments on board and make decisions that were totally wrong – I felt for whatever reason that they were right and that I was being a bad person or taking advantage of people or situations. There are 2 instances in particular – which I can recall very vividly – from my late teens and early 20’s that seemed to set me on this path (or just keep me on the path I had pre-ordained for myself).

Without giving the details of what was said, I allowed myself to believe what these 2 supposed friends of mine said at the time and for their comments to dictate my life and by believing what they said, this had a very detrimental effect on my self-esteem. I didn’t have the confidence in myself to understand that what I was doing was what young people do at that age, and to then say to these people that it was none of their business. I knew that I should have stood up for myself, and I very soon came to realise that I wasn’t doing anything wrong or hurting anyone but by that time it was too late and I regretted that for a long time. I have certainly learned some lessons about myself – especially in the last few years since my separation and divorce – and am stronger for it, but it took a very very long time for me to be able to say to myself that I AM a good person. I am still learning to say that to myself but it is slowly getting easier. I know that I have made mistakes and could have done some things better in life but I now place my faith in how I was raised, that I come from a respectful and loving family and I use that as my template for life.

I recently had feedback from some of the new recruits I work with. I was called “a good people person” by one and another said – after I had finished being an instructor for their group – that they would love me to stick around. These comments were totally unsolicited but gave me a real boost and I can now say with ever increasing confidence that I MUST be doing something right!