Attitude. What is it? The Australian Concise Oxford Dictionary defines it as a settled opinion or way of thinking, ie. an attitude of the mind.
An example of this is your self-esteem. If you have a positive self-esteem – that is, a positive attitude – you will develop a good opinion of yourself. Conversely, if you carry a negative attitude then there is every chance that you will have a poor opinion of yourself.
For whatever reason or reasons, I suffered from a low self-esteem since my teenage years. I think this was mostly self-inflicted primarily because I didn’t know how to engender a positive image of myself without fear of coming across as fake, superficial or simply just as a wanker.
Do I blame my parents for not instilling a positive self-image in me? No I don’t. Heck, I grew up as the 6th of 7 children and the youngest of 4 boys. I was pretty much sight unseen and had to fend for myself, as pretty much all 7 of us had to given both Mum and Dad had full-time jobs. Is it even their responsibility? We are all products of our environment, the influences we received within the home and also the influences of our friends and others external to our home.
I had what I would call a ‘normal’ childhood. School during the week, school sport on weekends. Holidays. I never wanted for anything, but I never got everything I wanted. But that was okay. I knew my parents were busy and also not overly well off (certainly not with 9 mouths to feed!!!) but I was more than happy being in my own headspace. So where did my low self-esteem germinate from? Growing up, and especially in my teen years, for whatever reason I had all my adolescent chats with Mum. That’s not to say Dad didn’t care anout me or love me. He had a very important but stressful job and worked long hours, then on weekends he had household chores and maintenance to take care of. But it wasn’t Dad’s fault. I didn’t hang around to learn practical things with him. Also, Dad had lost his natural and also his step-father by the age of 15 so he was in effect his family’s father from that age. Man that must have been tough, and it undoubtedly shaped how he was as a father to us kids. As I said before, we were seen and not heard.
Dad was, as the saying goes, a product of his generation. Born halfway between WW1 and WW2, and coupled with losing 2 fathers, when I think back now it doesn’t surprise me that he was a little removed from us kids emotionally – he was TOO FREAKING BUSY!!
There is no way that my Dad is responsible for the low self-esteem I established. I was a loner within my family I guess – always outside kicking a footy or playing something, and usually by myself – but I was happy with that. I never asked how things worked, or if I could help him with whatever he was doing. Is that it? Possibly. As I grew into my late teens and early 20s, I came across people who, for whatever reason, said things about me that I took on board and help almost as Gospel when I knew for a fact that what they were saying about me wasn’t true, wasn’t right and in no way reflected the person I was.
Yet still, I took their words to heart and allowed myself to think lesser of myself. Sure, I had a good upbringing and was taught to be kind, well mannered and respectful – I was (and AM) a good person. So why did I allow this low opinion of myself to develop? Who knows. But as Newton’s Third Law states, for every action (or force) in nature, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I think this applies to life as well. I was – and in many ways still am – a shy person and definitely not one who wants to be the life of the party. Perhaps it was these characteristics in me that allowed those negative words to pervade my thinking for most of my life to this point, but I knew that something had to change and it has been a constant battle.
Curiously enough, my separation nearly 5 years ago and my ultimate divorce – whilst being such an emotionally draining and nearly crippling experience – has now been able to give me the tools to turn my emotional frown upside down. What was the key to this?
ACCEPTANCE.
I got to a stage where, for whatever reason, my marriage ended and thinking back it was my timidity that was my portion of the blame. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself, and I also chose not to ‘rock the boat’ because I didn’t want my kids to experience the turmoil of it all. But I accepted that, ultimately, it was better for both my ex wife and I to not be together. I also accepted – with some professional help mind you – that the break up was NOT all my fault and that that was okay. My greatest fear was hoping that our 2 kids would cope and adjust and stay the happy kids they have always been.
Things that were said by others, both in the past and more recently, I have learnt to accept those words as just being their opinion. It doesn’t mean they are right. They might be partially right but if this most recent life drama has taught me anything, it is that I know I am a good person and deserving of happiness. I knew I had a negative attitude about myself from my younger days but I got to a point where I didn’t care for that any more. I knew my parents had brought me up well, I had a family and friends who loved me and accepted me for who I was – I just needed to do that for myself. I didn’t want to put myself down any longer. I had to invite happiness in to my life, not just for my sake but for that of my children.
Thankfully, I accepted the invitation.
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