By whose standards are you judging yourself?

I read a quote recently, which was anonymous. It said:

“You have no reason to compare yourself to anyone.”

This is such a true statement, but it is a mantra that I have always struggled with in my life. I’ve never been able to understand why I have done this in the past, and which I continue to do to a certain extent today.

I think this quote goes hand in hand with the title of today’s blog, about whose standards we judge ourselves against.

We all have different, although often similar, upbringings however I am willing to say that the very vast majority of people are taught to be polite, respectful, well mannered and have consideration for others.

I live my life with these qualities, or at least try to. I hope that the majority of people I come across see me as a holder of these qualities. I am prone, however, to not treating myself the same way.

From an early age, I have had this idea in my mind that I wanted to fit in SOMEWHERE and was consumed by where and with whom that would be. I played a lot of sport growing up, and like a lot of kids had dreams of being good enough to become a professional sportsperson one day, however I knew that there were other kids more talented than me, and I wanted to be as good as them.

Why did I do this? Who knows but I know for a fact that it has affected me into my adult life and until relatively recently has probably defined me in a way. In my married life, I went through each day doing things around the place that needed doing, and as far as I was concerned were doing them well, however if I was challenged about things, I would feel uncomfortable with potential conflict and not speak up for myself. I’d become a people pleaser – never a good thing to be when your marital partner is a stronger personality than you. I would take everything on board, internalise it and let it eact me up inside because I thought I was letting down and disappointing the one person who I thought loved me the most. Eventually, it got to the point just over 5 years ago where I was told “I can’t live like this.”

Had I not been meeting standards, whether they were adequately communicated or not? Why did I feel compelled to have to explain myself when I was getting things done but that were seemingly not to the standards expected of someone else? Why did I not stand up for myself?

I have come a long way in that 5 and a bit years. I made mistakes along the way, no doubt. You don’t live with someone for 15 and a half years and not make a few blues, but I was lost for a long time afterwards and it wasn’t until I accepted that we were 2 vastly different people – despite similar upbringings – that I could move on. Importantly, this included treating myself more kindly and to accept myself for who I am. I no longer feel that I have to do what others expect of me all the time, I just have to do what is right. Whatever the reasons for our many disagreements, I finally learnt to NOT try to please other people and to live by the qualities that I had been raised with.

These qualities are my standards.