For pretty much my whole life, and certainly since I hit my teens, I have struggled to feel like I am really good at anything and was always seeking some form of connection or inclusion with others.
Where does this vision or opinion of myself stem from? I’m not too sure but I cannot blame it on coming from a broken home, and I could always have chosen to speak to my Dad about any issues I might have been having. My Dad worked very hard and for long hours in a very highly stressful and important job and I grew up 6th of 7 children, so it was often my Mum that I went to for advice or just to talk through things that were going on in my life. I remember these chats fondly.
Please don’t think that I am laying any blame at my Dad’s feet. He had that steely experior that I suppose was a sign of men from his generation, but knowing what my Dad went through growing up – he lost his natural and his stepfather by his mid teens – I know that he had no father figure in his own life after the age of about 15. He was thrust into the role of being his own father figure and had to be the patriarch of the family after these crushing losses.
Suffice it to say that – as well as being from a generation where you were more than likely told to ‘suck it up and be a man’ – my Dad had no adult male in his life that he could turn to and I wonder how he coped through adolescence, and all that it brings. Who could he talk to when he had self doubts? Did he have any self doubts at all? I suppose from a life persective, my Dad was a self made man. He had no choice but to get on with things, get a job to support his Mum and 2 younger siblings and all in a time – during the middle of WW2 – where times were tough enough without having to grow up before your time.
My Dad could be very tough on us, but I know that he did all he could to provide for his large family. It could not have been easy but we never went without stuff we needed. He put all 7 of us kids through private schools so I will always be grateful for everything he did for us.
So as I reflect on what the best version of myself would, could or should be I try to take some inspiration from the hardships my Dad suffered, particularly in his early life and vulnerable teenage years. I miss him dearly but will always have that image of him in my mind of doing what needed to be done. He did the best he could with the hand that life had dealt him.
And so to my – for want of a better word – quest to be the ‘best version of myself’ I think back to all the hardships that my Dad went through, the automatic acceptance of his need to provide for his family and to take responsibility for things that a young man should not have had to cope with so early in life. He didn’t blame life for taking away both his fathers at such a young and impressionable age. He accepted it all and just got on with things.
When my older brother was murdered back in 2005, the police took me to the unit that he shared so that I could collect his belongings. When I went into his bedroom I saw that he had stuck a piece of A4 paper on the wall that said “Be the best I can be.” After seeing that I wished that I had taken more time when he was with us to understand his own hardships and challenges.
I have had my own hardships in life, some of which I have articulated in previous musings. It dawned on me that it does no good to dwell on things and say woe is me. I learnt that accepting myself for how I am – and not apologising for it – was the first and perhaps most crucial step to being the best me I can be and in turn be the best role model for my own teenage son, who turns 15 in a few days time. I can’t change the perception that other people might have of me, or whether they like me or not. Despite the hardships I have endured, I have accepted myself and I like the person I am. As such, I try to instill into my own son that he is a good person, that he is loved, and that he has value not only to his family but most importantly to himself.
It is a challenge that I will never give up on.
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