So why is it that we – and most definitely I – beat ourselves up about things when they don’t go according to our plans, expectations or wishes? It is a situation that I drop myself into on constantly, often without sufficient honest reflection of the particlar situation as to why I did the things I did.
As I’ve said before in other posts, I have been through a lot of personal turmoil and heartache (haven’t we all) and the only real way I managed to get through these hard times was to accept those realities and move on. Yes, it was absolutely desperately difficult for me to do as a person with an historically well diminished sense of self-esteem. I still struggle with it.
After my separation and divorce, I was lost. My lifelong dream of being part of a perfect family was shattered, I had the wind taken from me and I was consumed with the grief that the situation brought me. The way it happened blindsided me, even though I knew that we had our issues, and there were things said to me that cut me deeply and for which I still sadly harbour ill feelings about today. I felt betrayed, but I had to deal with it for the sake of my kids. Their happiness and well being was my sole focus, and I wanted to make sure that their resilience was high so I don’t think that I allowed myself to fully accept things.
Losing my dream life led me to feel that I had a hole or a void to fill in my life. I hadn’t given myself the chance to step back, take a breath and completely accept and come to terms with my new life and routine. As such, I felt I needed to fill that void and this led me to make some horrendously rash decisions that cost me significantly both financially and emotionally. I allowed myself to be caught in a spiral of ill conceived, badly thought out solutions to my situation. All these years later, I now know that I did these things to myself because I didn’t value myself as a person. Heck, I probably didn’t really know myself properly as a person so I fell short of accepting the real me.
I still have days where – whatever the situation – I blame myself and get down on myself and can’t seem to see the way forward. What I am slowly getting better at is understanding that whilst I made mistakes and bad decisions I did so because I had feelings and emotions which were very much real to me at the time, and as such were HUMAN errors. I am now very slowly allowing myself to see that and to (at least try) not to let these feelings of negativity infiltrate the rest of my life. It is a constant battle but one which I am going to face with courage and a new sense of value in myself.
I AM HUMAN!
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