Shame on me

I wrote a few days ago about how it is nothing shameful to be human, to show human frailty and make mistakes. I was – and still am – committed to unburdening myself from any feelings of shame over the mistakes I have made and situations I have placed myself in the past because of my mistakes.

This morning I felt probably the worst kind of shame imaginable. I had to ask my 15yo son for a favour – to borrow the $50 birthday money that he recently got from his uncle so that I could put petrol in the car and buy some groceries. I am the Dad yet I had somehow managed to be broke. It cut me very deeply to admit this to him, but he understood and never objected. That understanding and willingness to help me made me more proud of him than I already was. The knock on effect is that I feel that I am failing him as an example of what a good Dad should be.

The Oxford Dictionary definition of shame is “…a feeling of distress or humiliation caused by consciousness of the guilt or folly of oneself or an associate”.

Before and most definitely after asking my son to borrow his $50, I felt very distressed and yes, utter humiliation inside myself at having to do this, knowing that I had placed myself in this situation. It was all my own doing, albeit not a totally deliberate thing. It was mostly bad mathematics and an horrendous miscalculation of sums that caused it, but that didn’t make it any easier to swallow. Once again, I had done something to myself – and again around money – that has caused me this distress and humiliation.

So what to do now? Apart from becoming anally retentive about what I get paid every fortnight and managing my money to the last cent, I need to not be in a rush to do things that bring me happiness or fun. For example, I was asked to play golf this coming Sunday at a course that isn’t one where I am a member therefore I would have had to pay money to play – money that I didn’t have. My initial thought was to keep the appointment to play and hide behind my circumstances however I just couldn’t do it to myself. I finally accepted that I can’t be everything to everyone – I had to do things that were and are best for my kids and I. They are my key responsibility and the reason I get up in the morning and face each day.

As I type this I am listening to a great Billy Joel song, “Vienna”. There are 2 wonderful lines in the song that have just resonated with me so deeply:

“Slow down, you’re doing fine. You can’t be everything you want to be before your time.”

I have literally just listened to these words, and whilst I have heard this song countless times (Billy Joel is one of my all time favourite artists) they have come to me in what I can only think is a portentous way – a clear message to myself that I need to stop being everything to everyone else and do what is best for my kids and I ALL THE TIME and in doing so I can be the best man – and best Dad – that myself and my kids deserve.

Shame on me for trying to be anything else.