I am sure that those of you who have read any of my previous posts will know that I have always struggled with how I view myself and have lacked a real sense of positivity about myself for the majority of my life, starting around my mid teens.
My son has recently turned 15 and is at a similar age to what I was when I really first felt that lack of feeling good about myself. It is hard to place a finger on why I began to feel this way but I never felt that I was anything special. I was also never too sure about what I wanted to be or with what group or type of boys my age that I wanted to hang around with, never too sure about anything really. I was going with a flow that I could not see and upon reflection I was clearly lost without a sense of my true self. What I want for my own son is for him to know that he is (a) loved and (b) does not have to prove himself to anyone else.
I am currently reading a great book titled “From boys to men” by Maggie Dent, in which she says that there are 3 things I should give my son unconditionally:
- acceptance
- respect
- love
In her book, Maggie states that in order for me to give these 3 things to my son, I first have to give them to myself. I have to stand up, be brave and take responsibility for my own health and wellbeing. So here goes.
ACCEPTANCE: I accept that I need to see the good in myself. I also accept that I am not good at a lot of things but that is okay. I know that I was raised to be polite, courteous and respectful and I know that I display these qualities every day therefore I ACCEPT that I am a good person and that I am the way I am. I also ACCEPT that I cannot change other people’s opinion of me and that there is no need to explain myself, merely to live these values and treat others how I would like to be treated. I know that I am never going to be the life of the party – I just don’t have that personality – but what I do know is ACCEPT that, be more than okay with it, to take life as it comes and play my part when it is my turn.
RESPECT: I found a dictionary definition of respect that states that it is “a deferential esteem felt or shown towards a person or quality”. In tandem, a definition of esteem I found states that it is to “have a high regard for”. It is true that the environment we grow up in has a very large say in how we develop throughoout our childhood and in turn how we see ourselves when we are adults. My Dad was a very busy man, working long hours and was always busy doing things around the house on weekends so I naturally turned to my Mum to talk about issues I was facing in my teen years. I never spoke to my Dad about things I was facing in life. That is not to denigrate my Dad – I’ve written previously about how he lost his natural and his stepfather by the time he was my son’s age so that must have been tough. He grew up as the eldest of 3 basically being the man of the house and ostensibly his own father figure. He had no guidance, and just had to get on with things. That must have been tough and as such I have respect for my Dad. I miss him every day. As a Dad myself, I am always saying, especially to my son, that it is okay to not get everything right and that you either win or you learn (I borrowed that from a current AFL senior coach who once was a teacher). I know that I have failed in my life, most dramatically spelt out to me as a divorcee. Not seeing my 2 kids every day is a constant reminder that I am not the perfect specimen, and I am constantly worried that this affects them to this day, even 5 and a half years on. I’ve grown to realise that my fault in things was to not speak up for myself, ie. to not respect myself enough to say how I was feeling – and this was done in fear of losing my family, which ultimately happened anyway. So if I had respected myself more and spoken up for myself when I was married would it have made a difference? Probably not and it is funny how such a traumatic experience was needed for me to even begin to see my own self worth and to finally respect myself. Even though I relapse on occasion, I can honestly say that I have never had more respect for myself in my life than what I do now and I hope that I am projecting that positivity on to my kids so that they in turn will respect themselves.
LOVE: I am clearly a lover of dictionary definitions but I am not going to go with one for this. To me, love is a multi level thing. You can love inaminate objects simply because, such as waterfalls, the ocean, native animals and rainforests. You can love certain things in life such as sports, TV shows, movies, songs etc. You can also love people, and with how my life has panned out in recent years I have come to know that it is important – vital, in fact – to love yourself. A really close friend of mine said to me a few years ago, not long after I separated from my wife, that it is impossible to be everything to everybody. What she was saying was that it is important is to value yourself and do what is right for you – to self-preserve and make sure that you yourself are okay. It has taken me most of that time – over 5 years – to fully appreciate what my friend said, but I am at peace with the events of my life and how they have helped me become aware of my true self, someone that I can love with no need to second guess it or to want to be any way else – flaws and all.
So the note to myself will say that I am good, I’m worthy of self love, and I can go on with life knowing that and being happy with who and how I am.
Health-your-self.com 