Does it REALLY matter?

I have mentioned many times in my previous posts that at some point in my teens I began to feel the need to be accepted, and at the time not really being sure of what it was that I wanted to be accepted as or for. I also never had a really positive opinion of myself, and for what reason or reasons, I cannot explain.

After living my life to this point in the manner that I have, and having the deep seated opinions about myself that I did, I have worried and stressed about things that are more often than not out of my control. So why do I sometimes still worry about stuff? And why do I have such a lesser opinion about myself?

I was lucky during all my school years that I was thankfully never the target of bullying, so that was a positive growing up. I know that I could have been more diligent at my school work over then years, as I invariably ‘cruised’ through and doing just what was required of me to pass. I didn’t have that ‘go the extra mile’ attitude as I was out playing sport and being a normal teenage boy.

It wasn’t until I got into my late teens and early 20’s that I began being more acutely aware of my own lack of self-esteem and for decades using that opinion against myself in pretty much every aspect of my life. Sure, I had friends in high school and again met new and truly wonderful people when I entered the workforce, but I always held myself back to a large degree, never quite wanting to show my true daggy self in the fear that people would not like me for who and how I am.

So why is/was that? Why did I develop and continuously hide behind that veil of shyness, uncertainty and to a large degree a sense of shame in myself? Why did I perceive and feel that I was not good enough? I am loathe to place any blame on my parents because I know that they raised all 7 of us (Yes! 7!) the best they could and work busy full time jobs at the same time. As part of that family dynamic growing up, I had no bad run ins with any of my siblings and pretty much was happiest in my own company most of the time. Was this a deliberate choice? As I have gotten older, and as I have somehow finally become mature enough to look at things through that lens, I have come to the conclusion that it was a place of greatest safety for me. I still have that place these days as a middle aged man, but I don’t need it anywhere near as much, and it is more like a mental holiday home as oppposed to where I live all the time.

I think it is encumbent on each and every one of us to find our ‘happy place’ where we can feel safest, both from a physical and a psychological viewpoint. I also think that it is our own duty to seek the best way to navigate life but knowing that a loving family and true friends are vital cogs in that mechanism.

So finally, why did I think that I was less of a person than those around me? Why did I think that that was how people saw me or thought of me? I never asked them, I just made the assumption that I was not that good based on my own lack of self-esteem and belief in myself. Having gone through many heartaches and hardships in my life (as we all do), I have slowly but surely begun to ask myself “does it really matter what others think of me?” I also came across this great quote (unknown source):

WHAT OTHERS THINK OF ME IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS

I am now using this as a motto for life, whilst at the same time living my life treating others with the love, respect, honesty and integrity – things that I now realise I also deserve.