Since my teen years I have battled with wanting to be accepted, either by a particular group of people or to be seen as being good enough at something and therefore gain acceptance that way.
For whatever reason I never saw myself as being particularly good at anything and have felt that how I am – quiet, reserved and somewhat shy – meant that I was not as good as others. What’s worse is that I used that negativity or more correctly I hid behind it and thought that this was the ‘real’ me and felt that it was what defined me.
It is true that I am naturally quiet and reserved, yet I am mature enough to hold a conversation – for at least a short period of time – with almost anyone. What seems to hold me back is the fact that I am seemingly incapable of asking meaningful questions of others because I fear that I am prying into their lives unnecessarily and create a bad situation. So I never ask, I hide. I figured that if I don’t place myself in any kind of difficult or awkward situation then I won’t get hurt and people will like me.
Until I suffered tragedies in my family, losing 2 siblings less than 6 years apart to unusual circumstances, and felt the subsequent enormous grief I never really knew what being truly hurt was. Yes, I lost my first girlfriend when I was 19 to another guy who I thought was a mate, but in hindsight that was just a part of my growing up and it never really hurt me. That being said, I allowed that experience to cloud my thinking about my self worth and it cost me in future relationships because I never really thought that I was good enough for anyone.
Losing a girlfriend in your late teens is sad, but losing your dream life is so much harder. From an early age, somewhere in my mid to late teens, I wanted to be just like my Dad and have a family. I wanted to have 2 children, a pigeon pair. I had names chosen and everything. Above all else, I wanted to be with someone that truly loved me for how I was and not just what I was.
Throughout my marriage, I know that we had our differences of opinion and I was acutely aware of the fact that we were 2 completely different people in pretty much every way. For a long time that was probably what kept us going. In the end, however, it became our downfall and I am able to place my hand on my heart and know that I had problems speaking up for myself and this goes all the way back to my teenage years and my lack of a positive self-image and self-esteem.
I’ve said it before and I will say it again and that is I will not blame anyone else for this. Sure, I never had the ‘birds and the bees’ chat with my Dad and we never did anything where it was just the 2 of us but that was a circumstance of the time. Late 70s/early 80s and I was one of 7 and the youngest of 4 boys. Dad worked long hours and I always found companionship in my own company. I had to guide myself through life to a great extent, and live life and have learnings through trial and error basically. That is, when I had the guts to take a chance. That is something that I have never been too good at – again, it is the fear of failure and my crisis of confidence.
I am able to say now that, especially after the breakdown of my marriage, I have learnt to accept who and how I am and be content with that. I know that I was raised in a strong loving family and I have been instilled with values that hold me in good stead throughout my day to day life.
I ask myself now though – why was it so hard for me to speak up for myself before? Why did I think less of myself? I believe now that there are both reasons and excuses for this. I have a natural timidity about my personality that can hold me back and as I have explained previously this has proven crippling in so many areas of my life in the past. Today, I am still a naturally quiet and reserved person yet I don’t see that as a weakness. I am a pacifist by nature and very non-confrontational so I think that explains a lot of how I acted and reacted during difficult times in my past. It was also, however, I now believe that I used it as an excuse to not get too deeply involved in things – especially relationships – because I knew that there might come a time when I would be challenged about my role in it and I was too afraid I guess to be told the truth. To paraphrase a movie quote I “couldn’t handle the truth”.
So where am I at today? I believe that everything in life happens for a reason and I would not have had to endure a marriage breakdown and other hardships if I was not meant to learn from them. As such, I now take a lesson from every experience I have. There is a football coach who is quoted as saying that you either win or you learn. I am determined now to take every little positive I can out of every situation whether it be good, bad or indifferent.
I have made a commitment to myself from now on that I will find reasons to learn and grow, and not find excuses to not try.
Health-your-self.com 