It’s been a while since I posted, but today feels like a good day to share with you my reflection of how things are going for me now, after all the trials and tribulations of the past 6 years.
Firstly, I acknowledge that every single one of us goes through difficult times – emotionally, physically and psychologically – and therefore I am not unique in this struggle. What I am unique at is my upbringing, my ‘inner voice’ and the actions and statements of all the people I have come across during my life and the influences that these people have had on my life.
From an early age I was always pretty shy and not wanting to have anything dramatic go wrong, for fear of the wrath of my parents. Let’s just say that I wasn’t always successful!
From my early teen years, I also wanted to fit in with other kids who I saw as more popular, and would do or say things that I thought might have gotten me accepted into the ‘in’ group or be chosen to be included in the circle of the ‘cool’ kids. I never developed a sense of myself that I was proud to display or portray. Since that time, I have come to describe my life as a crisis of confidence with a massive fear of failure.
Fast forward into adulthood and my entry into the workforce. As an 18 year old working with adults, I was naive and uneducated in the world of adult human interaction, social norms and getting to know people. I tried – almost literally – to fly under the radar and only deal with people if I had to. Like I said, a crisis of confidence.
As I got older, it got easier to be able to handle difficult work situations but my mind would still always struggle with the ‘fight or flight’ response although being in an adult working world I realised that there was no other choice but to get through the situation as best as I could, taking responsibility for any stuff ups and trying to learn from them. The one thing that pervaded my whole psyche was that I didn’t want to upset or disappoint anyone, but I also did not have the self-confidence to accept that I was one of them, their equal, an adult with a valued point of view.
This feeling still exists, and it definitely existed during the 15 and a half years of being with my now ex-wife. I knew from the start that she was a stronger personality than me but I would do my bit and be a good husband and father, or at least do what I thought was making be so.
Since my separation and ultimate divorce, these past 6 years have provided me with many opportunities to re-align my thinking, to rationalise how I see myself and to accept that nobody judges me harder than I do myself. What I needed to do was to – like when I first entered the workforce – to take the situation, understand my role in what happened, to learn from the experience and ABOVE ALL to allow myself to feel good about myself and get to a point where I realised that it was the best thing for all of us, despite it being so very hard at the time.
So what have I taken from this experience? Firstly, I came to realise that growth cannot happen without understand and acceptance. I took a long look at how I am, and embraced my imperfections as a person and a husband. There were absolutely no doubts that we share equally the fact that our marriage and relationship kind of just fizzled out, and to identify and understand what that was allowed me to move on emotionally.
So where am I at now? The understanding and acceptance that I have achieved within myself has given me almost a new lease on life, at least emotionally and psychologically. I am grateful for the 2 wonderful people we brought into this world and who we have raised to be resilient, confident within themselves and to have respect for any and everything and person in the world.
I have shaken off the burden of trying to be everything to others. I still have a small element of shyness within me but I am confident that my proper self is worthy of being shown to the world. I no longer care what others think of me. I am always respectful, kind and courteous but now I allow others to judge my genuineness for themselves. If they choose not to want anything to do with me then that is fine, but with not wanting to sound conceited or arrogant I no longer care. I have my family, my closest friends and my kids to pull me into line if I get off track, but I have a love of life and a newfound vision and respect for myself that has given me a whole new attitude. I am positive in my attitude now whereas before I would cringe and shy away from having to deal with difficult or uneasy situations.
I’m now more confident around people and I genuinely love life. If I pass no greater advice on to my kids, it is to LIVE your life. Do what you are passionate about. Treat yourself NICELY and let your true self shine to the world.
I am so glad that I have finally followed my own advice!
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