Uncomfortably comfortable

I read a good quote the other day:

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

Reading that phrase got me thinking (what doesn’t? LOL) – am I comfortable (read happy) with my life and who/how I am?

I’ve always been my harshest critic and as a teen in particular I longed to be a part of something seemingly unattainable, but which in reality I was working too hard to get to. I was a “Try Hard” and I was this way because I was not happy within myself. I thought it would be great to be mates with the jocks even though I was nowhere as good as them at the sports we played. I was shy and wanted to latch onto something where I felt accepted and could basically pretend to be someone other than the second youngest of seven who did not get much attention at home.

I often take a mental look back at my life and certain situations where I for want of a better phrase did what OTHERS wanted to see me do, or how to behave, instead of going through whatever situations were presented and learn from them. Looking back now, I know that this was because of a seriously low sense of self-esteem and I was chasing anything or anyone who I felt liked me for who I was. The number of people today whom I can say truly do that can be counted on my 2 hands.

So nowadays I ask myself: why were you scared to show your true self?

I have answered that question to myself on numerous occasions over the last few years, especially since my separation and divorce nearly 7 years ago. I now know for a fact that if I had have stood up for myself as I became more and more isolated and unhappy in my marriage, things mighe have turned out differently, not necessarily would we have stayed together but there would have possibly been less pain felt.

I have always internalised situations and feelings and almost used them against myself. I’ve gotten irritated and frustrated easily at others for being bad drivers, or inconsiderate aisle hoggers in the supermarket, or being slow players on the golf course, or for being too distracting when I am trying to get work done in the office. I am s-l-o-w-l-y getting to the point where these frustrations are being seen as nothing more than that, and certainly they are undeserving of me getting stressed over.

For too many years now, I have seen myself as lesser in many ways to others around me, even my mates. In the nearly 7 years since my separation, I have had to fight through any feelings of inadequacy and become a stronger person and be a good father and a loving father and provide my kids with a happy father, despite the turmoil I was feeling inside. Perversely, whilst knowing it was more than likely inevitable that I would become a single Dad, I have embraced it and am “happily divorced” because I am now free from the toxic and unhealthy environment that my marriage had become. I was uncomfortable and SO unhappy being a punching bag for a narcissist and someone who – in my opinion – was only interested in living a life THEY wanted.

So am I comfortable within myself now? I would categorically say YES – with still a small morsel of the anxious teen who so desperately wanted to be another person. For all the hard times that I have experienced in my life – losing siblings to unnatural causes, losing both parents a year apart, and then going through my separation and divorce, I have filled my quota of life lessons. I am 59 but still very young at heart. I want to see and do so many wonderful things before I pass on but after everything I have been through (and put myself through), I am now uncomfortably comfortable with how my life has turned out.

Carpe Diem!