For as long as I can remember, I have always struggled to see myself in any real positive light, especially when it comes to personal achievements or especially in social settings. Of course as I have grown older I have become more confident in meeting new people but the former – seeing myself as anyone who is of value to others or who has the ability to see then good in myself and stand up for myself – has always held me back.
Even today, at age 59 and with 2 grown teens of nearly 19 and 17, it is a challenge for me to see myself as a good father and a great role model to my kids. Sure, I love them with all my heart, I tell them that every day and would die for them, but I am constantly wondering if I am a good example of how they should be as they grow older and live through more experiences and challenges. I ask myself: is my own historical lack of self-esteem making it hard for me to see if I am being a good Dad?
Knowing that I love a goo inspirational quote, I came across some today that were – if not atributable to him – were narrated by one of my all time favourite actors, Denzel Washington. Here is one of the quotes I found, and how I will use it to guide me from now on:
“If you can’t see my worth, you have no place in my life.”
I ask myself what is worth? Self-worth? I see it as my opinion about myself, which has been shaped by my upbringing, my relationship with my own parents (particularly my own Dad), childhood experiences and influences, and how I place myself in society’s eyes as a result of these experiences and influences. My Dad lost both his natural father and his step-father by the time he was about 15 years of age. As such, as the eldest of 3 children, he had to be the family patriarch and major bread winner and I guess never really had a father to guide him into adulthood. Given that it was the 1940’s that must have been tough but he must have just gotten on with life. In my own progress through childhood and into puberty, I can’t recall a single occasion where my Dad kicked the footy with me so did I interpret this as I wasn’t special enough or important enough to my Dad, and by extension to others around me? No, I don’t blame my Dad at all because he had to grow up before he should’ve needed to. As the second youngest of 7, and the youngest of 4 boys, it was probably no wonder Dad didn’t have time to spend with me. As I grew older, I allowed my negativity about myself as a person affect other relationships. I allowed other people’s skewed views make me decide things that were detrimental to my personal happiness and I did not have the courage to stand up for myself and keep the happiness that those times were giving me.
Upon a lot of introspection and reflection over the years, and having been through much emotional upheaval and torment especially in recent years, I have grown up so much psychologically and emotionally. I know that I am intrinsically a good person – I was raised to be respectful of others, and be polite and well-mannered – and I believe I am these things. Surely that counts for something. Can I be better at some things? Of course. I could be less stressed around crowds or bad drivers. I could learn to just take a breath, relax and know that the situation – however stressful – will pass and if there are things to learn from that experience then I need to spin it in a positive way and use it to my advantage, as a Dad and to beat up on myself less.
I have a great group of friends who I get to see once a year for a week, and despite the time apart we have each other’s back. To know that I have this friendship and support tells me that I have worth and I am only regretful that I don’t keep that in the front of my mind more often. These people can see my worth. I owe it to them to see it myself.
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