Ever since I was a kid, I have struggled with finding a place where I know I fit in. The image I have created for myself has not been flattering or positive and my self-esteem is not strong. I’m not arrogant, I never seek to be the centre of attention and I most definitely do not consider myself to be narcissistic.
Yes, I know that I am a good person having been raised to be polite, respectful, kind, considerate and well mannered. I feel that I live these attributes daily. But what is it about myself that I don’t like? What is it that makes me not exactly exude confidence in myself, or where I see myself being worthy of certain things or success in certain situations?
There is not one particular moment in my childhood that I can recall which set me on this path of negativity. All I can recall is that I could see kids my own age seemingly getting on famously and I desperately wanted to be a part of it, but the only way I figured I could fit in was to manufacture situations or say certain things or agree with anything any of them said just to feel a part of their group or to be recognised.
Of course, as an adult I have been a member of many sporting clubs and been in social groups where I joined in and had a lot of great times but I never allowed myself to feel totally and completely secure, like it might all be taken away at any moment.
As I grew older and more situations presented more grown up challenges, I felt even more out of my depth and did not know how to handle things in a mature way. I would get angry and frustrated and I’m thinking was not a pleasant person to be around. This type of reaction almost did cost me being a part of a social group that I thoroughly enjoyed. The pervading sense of not valuing myself permeated every situation I was in. I couldn’t tell myself that I was worthy of asking that beautiful girl out on a date. I doubted my ability at things I had done since I was a kid, and I placed so much pressure on myself to, I suppose, be perfect or at then very least look successful in the eyes of others. But why did that matter and why did I (do I?) care so much?
Growing up as the 6th of 7 children, and with both parents always busy, it was easy for me to slink into the background and not bother anyone and also so that I could not take the chance to do something or say something that would make people – even my siblings – think lesser of me, or see me as strange/different. It was always my safe placec, to slink into the background, say very little and be totally at ease in my own company. That was where I felt the safest. Nothing could hurt me when I was by myself.
I’m yet to totally understand why I have felt like this my whole life. As a kid growing up, I got everything I needed to grow but I don’t recall my home being a terribly affectionate place. Yes, we were a loving family and would help each other out but that demonstrative and outward show of love was not really forthcoming very often.
Can I blame that for how I feel about myself? I’m not sure. What I am sure of is that I need to ‘flip the script’ and start to see myself in a better light and to exude that slef-confidence outwardly whilst at the same time not allowing the negativity to fester inside of me and have it burst to the surface in frustration at certain times.
In short, I need to ACCEPT what is real, and work on what I can change and improve about myself to finally get everything out of life that I deserve.
As I said earlier, there is not one single moment in my early life that pointed me in the direction of self-doubt and self-deprecation. Yes, there were things that happened when I was older – such as losing my first girlfriend to another guy – which intensified my inbuilt negativity. For example, if I was approached by a beautiful young woman who wanted to chat with me, I had no idea what to say because I had no confidence in what I might say. Before we even began, my perception of myself as a man and how interesting I saw myself had eliminated any chance I had of showing them me at my best. I think my natural shyness – and not just around women – was allowed to take over and I was doomed to fail from the off.
Which brings me to the acceptance of my reality. Without showering myself in mountains of self-loathing, I believe wholeheartedly that everything in life happens for a reason. Why am I shy, especially around women or people I don’t know? Why am I scared to really get to know people? I believe that it is the reciprocal scenario – where people ask me about myself – that points me to downplaying my worth amongst whatever group I am a part of.
I want to change how I see myself and feel about myself. I have taken steps to seek some professional help to jump that mental, emotional and psychological hurdle. I said that I know I am a good person, however I need to BELIEVE that so I am starting a journey that, even this late in life, I can provide the world with the best me that I can be.
That journey of self-discovery starts now.
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