Just say CCC

Life can be a mystery at times, and so can then inner workings of our minds.

I have had a lifelong struggle with feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, and basically not placing much if any value on myself as a person especially when it comes to relationships. Why is that?

In search of that elusive answer, I started going to a psychologist 2 months ago to help me unravel why it is that I have thought about myself this way for so long. I define my life as a crisis of confidence and a fear of failure. But what exactly is it that I am afraid of or not confident in?

So far, I haven’t been able to pinpoint any single particular event or conversation that categorically started me on the path of self-doubt. I’m not even sure that it was a single event. Being one of 7 kids growing up, I guess there was only so much time that Mum and Dad could devote to us outside of them having to work and run the house as well.

So what’s the CCC that I seek? Confidence, courage and certainty. Let’s lay bare what I would like to achieve here:

CONFIDENCE – defined as a belief in oneself and one’s abilities to handle challenges, characterised by a quiet, stable sense of self-worth rather than arrogance or perfection. It is apparently a skill developed through action, small wins and resilience, rather than am innate trait.

That tells me that confidence can be LEARNED through the adversity we face and hardships we endure. Heaven knows that I have suffered my fair share of shitty things in life, and I believe I am a stronger person for it but that is an outward thing. It differs from how I feel inside myself. I baulk at situations where I might get something nice to happen, because I fear the alternative to something nice and I don’t try. Well, from now on that crap is going to stop!

COURAGE – the mental or moral strength to venture, persevere and withstand danger, fear or difficulty.

That tells me that I have already demonstrated through the hardships I have endured thath I am courageous and that nothing should scare me, but there are things that do and it’s often around interacting with people. I am, for whatever reason, of the opinion that I am boring and/or have nothing great to contribute when I am around others. I need to develop, nurture and express that emotional/social courage – the willingess to be myself, to open my heart and risk social rejection or embarrassment. That starts NOW!

CERTAINTY – the state of being completely sure, confident or free from doubt regarding a fact, belief or outcome.

This is where I want to be. If I build the confidence in myself and display the courage necessary to not care about what others think – or what I think that they think – then I will soon become the very best version of myself and allow that to shine to the world without fear or anxiety.

I am a work in progress.