Throughout my life, I have in various ways sought a connection with others. When I was a teenager I wanted to be amongst a group of other boys who had probably (almost undoubtedly) experienced more in life than I had and as such were in my view great to be around. And most of them had younger sisters! I tried to fit in and never quite found out how to just be myself and leave it to them to decide to include me in their activities or not.
As I got into my late teens and had started to experience being with a girlfriend, I was incredibly insecure, naive and just full of hormones and not wanting to or know how to develop any meaningful relationship. I didn’t know how to get to know people because I was too scared to ask them anything remotely personal out of fear that I would offend them and they would not hang around. I allowed others who I thought were my friends or who at least had my interests in mind to influence me in thinking that I was using girls purely for sexual gratification and that I was a bad person because of that. I listened to these people because I didn’t respect myself enough. I rue those decisions to this day.
As I got further into my 20s I experienced a few more occasions of this type of thing, where I would be interested in a young woman and things would be going well but I would sabotage things as soon as it got to a point where I was serious about that person but I had no faith in them reciprocating those feelings. I never gave them a chance to get to know me properly because I ran away at the point of time where it might have been the best thing that ever happened to me.
Eventually I stopped seeking any serious connection because I could not cope with the rejection that I knew for certain was coming, yet I always craved intimacy and having someone to be close to. I just had no way of getting past that fear of rejection (which I knew was ludicrous) and never gave connection any chance to form.
When I met my now ex wife, I had no idea she was interested in me because I wasn’t seeking anything. I was clueless yet keeping my heart a safe distance from hurting. It took 3 of her colleagues to tell me what was going on! Things worked out such that we got married and have 2 beautiful young people to show for it, but the longer things went the less connected I felt and that any love we did share previously was irretrievably lost. It got to a point where I think we never fully got to know each other and we just grew apart naturally. So was that a connection lost or never fully formed in the first place?
Since my separation just over 8 years ago, I have found myself regularly in spirals of trying to find connection to people that are either not real or are trying to dupe me into thinking that they love me. Because I had developed a sense in my mind that I NEEDED someone in my life, I found myself being lured into situations where I would express feelings to someone I had not met, had hardly communicated with and to whom I would send money I could not afford in the hope that I would find the true and strong connection that I felt I wanted and needed.
Needless to say, I found myself in financial difficulties on a number of occasions, all because of the blindfolded search for something tangible with someone I could spend the rest of my life with. When I think back now, I was stuck in a teenage mindset of confusing love with sex and relationships. I suppose I didn’t really know if I wanted to have someone as a life partner or a Friend With Benefits. I realise now that I am still more than likely living with an immature attitude when it comes to sharing myself with any desirable female who I come into contact with. I think like a caveman!
I’m now 60 years old, and am still struggling with what connection truly is. I know that I have to accept myself and love myself for who and how I am before I can possibly give myself freely to someone else to let them decide their feelings or otherwise about me. That quest continues.
Finally, I now want to pay tribute to a lovely young person who is from a vastly different background to me and who came from a very different circle of life from me, but with whom I feel I have formed a genuine connection. They do not judge me, nor care how old I am or what I do. They enjoy my company and am always glad to see me, as I am to see them. What we share is probably just a superficial thing and a temporary station in life, but I have learnt to appreciate myself more (even though I still have a way to go) because I feel that appreciation coming from them. I don’t know for how long this person will be in my life but I will be forever grateful for the window into myself that they have pushed open, just from their honesty, compassion and acceptance of me for who and how I am.
I owe it to them – and myslef – to heed those lessons!
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