I tell you what, I am so good at making my life complicated!
I seem to have the habit of gravitating to things and into situations that leave me vulnerable – usually financially. I have now stopped to ask myself “What am I chasing and for what reason?” Is is intimacy? Companionship? Sex? It is probably somewhat of a melange of all 3.
At my most recent session with my psychologist, we talked about this propensity to go into chat sites and talk to random women, and he suggested that it was all to do with seeking connection and he said if I was anything I was a connection addict. Perhaps he is onto something.
Growing up as the 6th of 7 kids to parents (especially my Dad) who were busy with either work or doing stuff around the house, I was left pretty much to my own devices and had to find my own amusement. That wasn’t hard for a kid growing up in the late 1960’s and early 1970’s. There was always a ball to kick around or sport to play, or watch on TV, or a book to read.
I believe that we are to a large degree a product of the environments we grow up in, as well as taking on some of the character traits possessed by one or both of our parents. For instance, I went to an all boys Catholic school for the last 9 years of my education and had no interaction with girls at all other than my sisters. I felt awkward around girls and women (still do, and I’m 60!) and although I was very interested in them I had no “birds and the bees” talk with my Dad to try and make sense of them and how to navigate my way through that psychological challenge.
You will know from previous posts that I have always struggled with self esteem and self confidence, and had no idea about a lot of things but that didn’t stop me wanting to grow up fast and do ‘man’ things.
I didn’t have a girlfriend until I was 18 and had NO clue about relationships. We’d kiss and ‘make out’ but I was hormonal to the max and wanted more. This led to some shameful behaviour on my part and we broke up as a result. Instead of thinking about how badly I had acted, I simply chased the next woman that came along that showed even a modicum of interest. These ventures of course were all because I wanted one thing and whilst I wouldn’t call myself misogynistic, I craved the physical touch and embrace of a woman and of course to have sex. I thought that once I got it I would be complete, and not have those self esteem and self confidence issues any longer. What a dumb arse I am for thinking that!
Through my 20’s and early 30’s I kept this up, chasing what I thought was love but in hindsight I’m not sure what I was after. As I said, I had no clue. So it should come as no surprise to you to hear that when my now ex wife was interested in me, I didn’t pick up on the signals and 3 of her friends/colleagues had to tell me! It was only then that, knowing someone was interested in me, I acted upon the information!! To say that my relationship and marriage just “happened” would not be too much of a stretch of the imagination. Yes, we did pretty much everything together and then raised two beautiful children but there was always a void, something missing and it was a deep understanding and intimacy of each other. We “happened” and it was not until we separated that my shortcomings in a relationship were laid bare in front of me. I was never great at standing up for myself, and this is how I contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. I did not believe in myself enough to allow myself to be vulnerable and risk everything in order to have complete happiness.
All of what I have just written is on me. I will not blame anyone else for my shortcomings and inability to grasp or learn how to navigate life with other people in appropriate ways. Having had time to think about things, and having come through a divorce with a greater sense of being myself, I can and have looked back on how I was back then and how I behaved, acted and reacted in situations where emotions and connection were at stake. I wish I knew things about me then that I know now, and the social and emotional skills I now possess (and am constantly working on) that I wish I had at my disposal at all these times in the past. All I can do from now on is (A) have faith in myself to be a good person (because I am one), (B) to ensure I become the very best version of myself and so that (C) I can show that to the world and let THEM accept or reject me instead of me doing the chasing.
I’m a work in progress but I am slowly getting there.
**Middle aged man under construction**
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