I have had a lifelong struggle with self belief and self acceptance, of considering myself to be lesser than others in many ways and on many levels. I’m now 60 and surely I am at an age where I can accept who and how I am but it still has me in a grip of mental torture and anguish.
How do I get self belief? How do I achieve self acceptance? Why do I question who and how I am?
I have started my quest for answers to these questions by listing all the elements of my life. Kids, friends networks, social groups, close confidantes and how I look after myself.
With my kids, I believe I am a good Dad. They know they are loved and that I am there for them no matter what. I provide for them and I am supporting them in every way I can.
I have 2 friends networks and social groups that I am a part of, and both of them are things that I could not do without, but it’s more to do with the people in them than the settings we find ourselves connected in. These people want me around, and I so often think way too much about why or what it is about me that makes them, rather than just accepting that there is acceptance of me by them. If they can accept me then I can accept myself too.
I know that I put too high an expectation on myself, especially when playing my golf. I have this mentality where I expect perfection on every shot, on every hole. Why do I always do that, especially as I have physical ailments and limitations that make perfection impossible any way. And perfection is ALWAYS impossible, isn’t it? So why do I chase that impossible to meet expectation? It all comes back to how I perceive and feel about myself. I’ve never felt that I was the best at anything, but I know that I have personality traits and thought processes that restrict my total freedom of mind that would give me a path to total physical freedom – to simply RELAX, ACCEPT MYSELF and BE MYSELF! If I don’t then I am denegrating the people that choose to have me around and not giving them credit for what they see in me that I seemingly cannot see. These people clearly love, respect and perhaps even cherish my presence. The task for me is to do it for myself. I have started down a path of understanding myself for who and how I am, and will be doing everything I can to eliminate my inability to love and accept myself as just that. I have work to do on myself, but I am seeking and getting the help that I feel I need.
So am I happy? Yes. I have much to be grateful for and I owe it to those close to me to truly know that within myself.
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