Having struggled with self-esteem and self-confidence issues for pretty much my entire life, learning to cope with life’s struggles – or even ones my own mind invented – has been a constant battle with emotions and trying to find coping mechanisms to help me survive each challenge as it presented itself.
I’ve never been one to confront or seek out difficulty (who does?) so I have managed to glide and drift through life and thankfully avoid heartaches and other such catastrophes most of the time. What I have done in my life is to not place much faith in my opinion of myself and have always been prey to a stronger personality. Couple that with my natural shyness and inbuilt vulnerability from a young age and I was always following those in whom I could find the what and how I thought I wanted to be.
I believe that I am a good person because I was raised that way. Be polite, honest, well mannered and respectful and life will be good. Whilst that is an admirable way of going about life – and how I still live my life now – it can often lead me to being used for a while and then cast aside, or alternatively I would find that I was entering into a situation where I might actually be happy yet my lack of self-worth held me back and I sabotaged that chance at happiness.
So why have I allowed myself to think this way? I could say that I never got much direct encouragement from my parents when I was growing up, but I temper that with the knowledge that I was 6th of 7 kids and my parents were inordinately busy keeping track of everyone! To blame my parents would be wrong in my opinion.
Growing up as a primarily self sufficient kid through circumstance was actually what a lot of people might see as a blessing and an amazing way to build self confidence, self reliance and resilience. For whatever reason, I never cottoned on to that notion – until quite recently.
Now that I have suffered through the loss of both my parents, losing 2 siblings through unnatural causes and finally a marriage breakdown has taught me so much about myself and the strength of the human mind and spirit – MY human mind and spirit.
This education has taken me some time and will be a constant process for the rest of my days but I now define my life as being about attitude.
Thinking about how my life is now, with 2 beautiful almost adult kids who I am immensely proud of, I have for want of nothing in a material sense and it is now a matter of forming myself into the best version of myself that I can possibly create so that I can be a positive role model for my kids as they reach and are about to attain their adulthood. The first step in achieving that ‘best version’ is to be grateful for what I have but also to be grateful for the events that have shaped me today and to see the positive side of it all. When I got divorced, it was quite frankly almost THE hardest thing I have ever experienced but it didn’t kill me nor did it define me. It simply changed the packaging that my life was wrapped in.
I look back on all that has happened in my life and I am eternally grateful for the experience and knowledge that I gained from each one – however difficult and emotional they were – and am also grateful for the friendships I have formed and which endure to this day. I am healthy and working on being better at that, and all that is left for me now is to develop and maintain that positive outlook and attitude because I have so much good in my life.
Life is about ATTITUDE. Be positive!
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