Letting go

I have been single for a long time now. My wife and I separated over 8 years ago and divorced for just over 6 years.

For so long, given some of the things that my ex said after we broke up, I bordered on hatred towards her. I let that emotion fester inside me for a long time and whenever we had to communicate regarding our kids, all I wanted to do was get out of that situation as fast as I could.

It probably took me until 5 years (at least) after we separated before I began to mentally and psychologically dilute those feelings of deep resentment (if not hatred) because I came to the realisation that it was serving no purpose other than to more than likely give me an ulcer. I know I didn’t deserve to have an ulcer, so I had to find ways to diminish those negative thoughts and feelings, even though they were perfectly valid within my mind.

The other and probably major reason for having to minimise these negative thoughts and feelings was because my kids are smart and intuitive and would no doubt pick up on any negative vibes when I was around their Mum. For their sake, and for that of my own mental, psychological and physical well being, I had to be mature about the situation and not let any negativity prevent me from being a good Dad and, just as importantly, to accept my situation and to allow myself the chance to be truly happy and at peace with my life.

As my kids have gotten older (they are 20 and nearly 18!), it has become somewhat easier but after all that has transpired and been said in these past 8 and a bit years I still feel like I have failed them and let them down. It makes me sad even now they are grown up to know that I don’t get to see them every day and I blame myself for not being there for them every day. That feeling will never go away, even if it fades a little with time, but I know that I still have their love to keep me going and they know that I am there for them no matter what and no matter how old they might be. They will always be my babies!

Eventually (and hopefully) they will meet someone nice and have families of their own. Whatever path they choose, they know that they are loved and been given the support and guidance they need to venture into the world themselves and forge their own paths in life.

I am and always will be extremely proud of how resilient and courageous they are and how they have coped with their lives going between 2 homes. They are stronger than they know, and will make huge successes of their lives.

I just need to let them do it for themselves.